For several weeks now I have struggled with a bad attitude. And I am not really sure why. I can point to several factors that are contributing to my attitude, but the source eludes me.
My work for starters is a constant assault on my ability to stay positive. The amount of pressure, work, and difficult co-workers make the pay I receive seem WAY TOO SMALL! Too little appreciate for too much work. Too little respect for respectable work. Too little of really good things to make this a job I long to do.
Another problem area for me is my future. What does God want of me? Where does He want me? When? How? I am so clueless right now as to the direction He is leading me. Sure, I'd love to say I have it all figured out. I mean I'm in Seminary, so surely I have a double portion of understanding and wisdom from the Lord. NOT! I would love to say I have the whole thing under control and I am just around the corner from fullfilling all He has for me to do. NOT! I barely know my name some days, let alone how to figure out the next move.
Don't misunderstand me, I know He has called me to a task: to spread His Word about His Son, Jesus. But what that looks like specifically for me, I just don't know yet. That's not to say I don't have ideas of what I'd like, but is it His plan? That is what I struggle with in this whole uncertain journey. Is it His plan, His call, His leading or just another foolish attempt on my part to better how I feel about myself?
Some days, I know unswervingly that He is calling out to me. I reflect on the words in Jeremiah 1:4-10. I know from this passage His plans are real and true. But then there are those days, I doubt. Why? Is this part of the test? Am I passing or am I failing miserably? Time will ultimately tell. I only hope that I don't miss the mark somewhere along the way.
But enough of the grumbling, pray for my walk. Pray that I see the path and stick to it. Pray that His will will be seen and done. To His Glory both now and forevermore! Amen!